Controlling and Abusive People –
There is a TV show called the Big Bang Theory that is a wonderful study in human characteristics. You have the couple where one partner needs to control and the other needs to be controlled. There is another couple where each have attributes that the other is lacking, – and then there is Raj. Raj is a perfect representation of the person who has no balance – no middle ground. He is either living life in deep depression, putting himself down, and being utterly helpless and needy – or – the minute his life changes for the better he becomes arrogant, demanding, and entitled.
I’m sure we all know people like that. Their moods swing widely. They are totally unpredictable and keep everyone around them off balance too. You can’t trust them because you never know which side of themselves they are going to present. There are not great life partners, they are not great bosses, and they are in actuality very disturbed individuals. Yet we all probably have one in our lives. How do you deal with them?
If they are family or we are in their employ we need to learn some self defense tactics. We need to look at the issue of trust differently. Our trust cannot be placed in an unbalanced person or we will forever be angry, walking on eggshells or disappointed. We must shift our trust to ourselves. We need to learn that no matter what happens in our outside world, we can trust ourselves to take appropriate action, not over-react, and above all not to take it personally. If we believe in a God or Higher Power we can also shift our trust there.
If it’s a situation where you can minimize contact with this type of person all the better. If you can’t, then facing the situation honestly has to be the first step. They will not change until motivated to do so, and in the mean time you need to find and maintain your own balance in spite of their lack of it. If we allow it, and react to them, they become the controllers of our moods.
One of the biggest problems with this particular type of individual is that they are masters at shifting the blame for their moods to someone else. If someone hadn’t done this, then they wouldn’t have done that. We can buy into that line of thinking way too easily. The most extreme situation is the physically abused wife who tolerates broken bones thinking that somehow she caused her husband’s anger and accepts the blame for his brutality.
I hope and pray that anyone who is living in that kind of situation can realize that no matter what you say, or do, or how you act, that does not excuse violence in someone else.
For the majority of people whose lives are just unsettled on a regular basis by someone else’s behavior, I hope you are willing to look at the situation honestly and takes the necessary steps to save yourself.